Welcome to the Jam
by Arglefumph
Summary: While travelling in space, Captain Kirk discovers the planet Moron Mountain. He soon finds himself playing basketball, in order to save the lives of his crew. Can Captain Kirk perform the ultimate basketball maneuver in order to save everyone?


Captain Kirk stared in shock at the planet on the viewscreen. He had never seen a planet like this before.

"Why, it looks like a theme park!" Dr. McCoy gasped. "An entire planet, designed to make money off of tourists! How awful!"

"Doctor, a man as knowledgeable as yourself cannot be surprised by the nature of capitalism," Mr. Spock said, in a haughty tone.

"Capitalism? That's _exploitation!_ You can't tell me it's _good_ to turn a planet into a—"

Captain Kirk ignored the usual bickering between Doctor McCoy and Mr. Spock. "What's the name of that planet?" he asked.

"Moron Mountain," said Mr. Sulu. "Not the most inspiring of names."

"Captain, we're being hailed," Lt. Uhura said. "Shall we put through their communications?"

"Sure, why not?" Captain Kirk said, sitting down in his captain's chair. "Put them on the viewscreen."

A fat, green alien with pointy ears appeared on the screen. "What the—?" the alien shouted. "Are you guys Earthlings? Earthlings?!"

"Why, yes," said Kirk. "I'm Captain James T. Kirk, of the USS—"

"I bet you came here to make fun of us, over the Looney Tunes fiasco! Well, you can _forget it!_ Hostile Earthlings aren't welcome on Moron Mountain!"

"Looney Tunes fiasco?" Dr. McCoy asked.

"He is referring to a cataclysmic event in ancient Earth history, referred to as _the Space Jam_. Records indicate this occurred in the year 1996." Mr. Spock said. He was checking Wikipedia to get more information, but as usual, he pretended to know everything ahead of time.

"You haven't heard of it before?" the green alien asked.

"No, we haven't," said Captain Kirk. "And let me assure you, the Enterprise is a peaceful vessel. We intend you no harm."

"Oh, really?" the green alien asked. "In that case, why don't you come visit us here on Moron Mountain? We can be friends, share some fun together! Maybe even share a game of...basketball!"

The alien, Mr. Swackhammer, laughed evilly. While the crew exchanged wary looks, Captain Kirk smiled widely. "I love basketball! Let's prepare an away team to visit the planet immediately! Mr. Spock, are you game?"

"I am not familiar with the rules of basketball, Captain."

"That's okay. You're tall, and that's what matters," Kirk said. "It's just an innocent game of pick-up basketball. Nothing serious to worry about!"

 _Everybody get up, it's time to slam now  
We got the real jam going down  
Welcome to the Space Jam  
Here's your chance, do your dance at the Space Jam_

Thirty minutes later, there was something serious to worry about.

"If we don't win this game, they'll keep us here as slaves!" Dr. McCoy said. "We'll be entertainment for a bunch of snot-nosed kids!"

"I don't get it!" said Kirk. "These aliens—the MonSTARS—they seem to be taking this personally! I thought this was a casual game!"

"That is what I was trying to mention, back on the bridge," Mr. Spock said. "In the original _Space Jam_ , the alien invaders were repelled by a group of heroic cartoon animals and a popular sports star."

"By playing basketball?!" McCoy asked. "This makes no sense! And what even _is_ a 'space jam'?"

"I suspect we may soon find out," Mr. Spock said. "Those MonSTARS don't look the slightest bit winded yet, while our team is exhausted. Victory seems to be elusive."

"Well, let's trade out some of our players!" Captain Kirk said. "Where's Scotty? He can be the point guard! As for me...I'm switching to power forward."

 _Wave your hands in the air if you feel fine  
We're gonna take it into overtime  
Welcome to the Space Jam  
Here's your chance, do your dance at the Space Jam_

The crew of the USS enterprise was down, 46 to 49. There were only two seconds left on the clock.

"It's impossible, Jim," Dr. McCoy said. "Our best chance is to make a three-point shot to bring the game into overtime, but we're too far away from the net!"

"Perhaps we could try fouling or using a time out to our strategic advantage," Spock said.

"No!" Kirk said. "I'm not going to let these aliens get us! Here, Spock, you get the ball to McCoy. Bones, you pass the ball to me at half court. I'll shoot from there."

"Are you insane? You can't make a shot from that far away!"

"We don't have any other choice! If I miss this shot, we'll become alien slaves! I won't let that happen to my crew! I won't!"

Meanwhile, the MonSTARS were also arguing over the game. "Look, I don't want a repeat of what happened with Michael Jordan! You guys need to CRUSH Captain Kirk! Smash him so hard, he won't be able to get up!"

"You got it, boss!"

The referee blew the whistle, and the game resumed. Spock threw the ball into play, and Bones chucked it as fast as he could towards Kirk. Kirk took aim and threw the ball, just as two MonSTARS smashed him in the back of the head.

Everyone held their breath as the ball went flying through the air and landed perfectly in the middle of the hoop. Swish! It was nothing but net.

"No way he made a shot from all the way over there!" Mr. Swackhammer shouted. "That's impossible!"

"Foul called on the play," said the referee. "Kirk gets a free throw!"

"WHAT?" Mr. Swackhammer yelled. "But the rules say you can only get THREE points from one shot! That's the maximum!"

"Yes," said the referee patiently. "But this is a four-point play."

"The mythical four-point play..." Dr. McCoy gasped. "I've heard of it, but I didn't know it existed!"

Kirk grinned. "I got this."

He dribbled the ball twice and easily sunk the first shot. The Enterprise won the game, 50-49.

"NOOOOO!" Mr. Swackhammer yelled. "NOT AGAIN! How do you DO that?"

"Easy," Kirk said. "I learned basketball from the best. My trainer in Starfleet Academy was the legendary undefeated basketball player, Bill Murray."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Swackhammer yelled. He cursed out Captain Kirk, but a deal was a deal. He had to let the Earthlings go, and he promised to never again to force someone into slavery, based on a sports game.

"Well, Captain, that was certainly quite the adventure," Dr. McCoy said. "I'm surprised we made it through alive!"

"Me, too," Captain Kirk said, rubbing his ankle. "Do you think you could look after me in Sick Bay for a while? I've got a serious case of athlete's foot!"

The crew laughed as Captain Kirk hobbled away to put some ice on his ankle.


End file.
